Torn

Before Milo was born I read an article in Oprah or something where a mommy talked about how it was a relief to go back to work on Monday after spending the weekend with her child. I distinctly remember that the poor woman was reamed in the editorial section the following month. Mommies everywhere were horrified at how callous this woman could be. How could she not love every moment of time together with her precious little one?

For me, life at that time was pre-baby and even then I did not blame this woman for her words. Looking back now I am not sure I understood her reasons though. I thought that she must love her job and really like spending time there. I love my job. OK, I didn't love my job last week or the week before but in general, I love my job. I look forward to my day at work and am excited more often than not about what I have to accomplish that day. Reading that article a few years ago I just assumed this woman also loved her job and knew that she would feel less of herself by not being able to work.

I think I really get it now. I think she must have had a toddler. Specifically a toddler that is truly beginning to exert his independence. I can't tell you how many times I looked at Mark this weekend with that "please transport me to a beach in Mexico" look in my eyes. Honestly, I would have been happy to be transported to the mall, to Starbucks, to WORK - anywhere that our sweet little precious 2-year-old was not having a screaming tantrum.

Do I have to say I love Milo? I hope not. I love Milo more than words can say. I adore Milo and intellectually I know that he is becoming his own person which is good, right? But in the moment? In the moment my mind grasps for any action (besides swatting him) that is going to get him to sit in his car seat when he is screaming and thrashing around while only seconds before he was happy and smiling. I now believe that the challenge of 2-year-olds is that they are completely unreasonable. There is literally no reasoning with them so you are stuck - just doing the best you can which some days feels like it is simply not enough.

I know why that mother was happy to go back to work. Today I was happy to come back to work. I am good at work. I know what to do at work when there is a problem. If only being a mommy was so easy.